I haven’t written here in a while and I would be willing to bet this is long overdue.
I try to keep my posts on social media to the point. Related to fitness in a way. Relative to Crossfit and how it is applicable to life.
This space is separate from that and equally important.
I am passionate about everything I do.
I have a hard time doing things only a little bit. That is part of the reason that at 38 I still choose to not consume alcohol. I DO NOT JUDGE ANYONE WHO DOES.
March 16, 2020 my entire way of life shifted dramatically. From that day until January 1, 2021 my business was closed for almost 7 months.
I tried my best keep everyone afloat. I did my best. Did I agree with the rules? No. Did I believe my gym would be a place of spread and unsafe? No. Was I afraid of losing someone? Yes.
My fears were for those who may turn to drugs, suicide, become victims of abuse.
I lost my safe space. I lost my social interaction. I somehow worked more hours being closed than being open. I did what I could be it was not adequate.
I know things slipped through cracks.
Sometimes our best is not good enough.
That was when I knew without a doubt that the me that got everything to that point was not enough to handle the next level.
I chose to hire mentors/coaches for myself.
It has been super helpful and has given me time to reflect and zoom out. I do not have to be as hyper focused on the specific moment.
In that time it has allowed me to begin improving myself in all aspects. Actively trying to be better as a business owner, coach, partner, parent, athlete, and friend.
I feel inadequate. That the more I learn the less I know.
I am making new and different mistakes. I give freedom and most of the time it works. Sometimes it bites me in the ass.
As Dennis grows I have to parent through different situations.
I try very hard to be a better partner and really look at when I get frustrated or angry and try to see why I am doing that. Most of the time it is my own insecurity that I am not worth being loved or will be abandoned.
I find myself struggling with being calm while being aggressive. I need to be in a certain headspace to do what I need but then at the same time need to be able to be free of that charge to do other things. In those moments I just end up coming off like a dick.
As I try to “level up” I try to stay me. I think that for the most part that is good. I do believe I am a good person. I know I do things selfishly and I know everyone does.
I know I hurt people from time to time and I haven’t tried to intentionally hurt someone for a long time.
Why am I writing this?
I see so many people feeling alone, isolated, lost, scared, afraid, and angry.
There is no real road map to life.
We are all on different chapters and they all happen in different orders.
We have been told that there is a formula to happiness and fulfillment by people who have yet to find that on their own because they are simply listening to those who came before them.
Will having kids complete your life? I don’t know.
Will making $1,000,000 make you satisfied? I don’t know.
Will having a partner make you feel complete? I don’t know.
I do not know what will make you happy or fulfilled. I am learning everyday on my own what makes me feel that way.
I choose to write as a therapeutic outlet to work through my own struggles so I do not project them onto others.
I try to be very open with my own challenges because I know I am not the only person who struggles and I would hate to let people think I have it all figured out or even any of it!
I chose to write out and speak about this so that at some point when my son is old enough he sees that being a man is about being vulnerable, open, scared, uncertain, and who YOU are. Not, what some movie or tv show say.
There is no “real man”. It is being who you need to be, not what society says you should want to be.
Bravado is bullshit. Saying you are an “alpha” means you are probably far from it. Hiding your emotions does not mean you are tough, it just means you are scared and guess what? That is ok.
There is zero reason to be anything else besides yourself.